The Captain and the Doctor
by Jstar-and-Astar
Summary: A short little fic about Jack and the Doctor's opinions throughout Torchwood and Doctor Who. Centers mostly on the people they lose along the way. No Miracle Day because I didn't watch it(no Ianto). JackXIanto, JackXAlonso, 10th DoctorXRose, 11th DoctorXRiver, GwenXRhys, ToshXOwen, MarthaXMickey. Rated for suicide and sexual references.


After the Time War, he swears off companions. It's not that he doesn't like the company; he does, but he doesn't know if he can stand to be around members of another species, when it still cuts him afresh to think about the members of his own.

* * *

He tells himself he's not alone, but who is he kidding? He is most certainly alone, and nothing's ever going to change that. He's a con man, a liar, a rogue.

At least, that is what he tells himself.

* * *

With Rose, it is easy-too easy-to break his promise to himself. After all, she's compassionate and sweet, with her wide eyes and moon shimmer hair. And besides, she's the best kind; infused with a sense of wonder at the possibilities of the universe.

He knows that she is developing a crush on him. They all do, eventually. But what he doesn't admit-not even to himself-is that he's starting to like her, too.

* * *

When he meets the yellow-haired girl, he believes at first that she is a Time Agent. But what she really is so much more extraordinary. And he will admit; that Rose is a pretty little thing.

He's shocked when he finds out what they are.

He's shocked when they save the world.

But he's most shocked when they take him with them.

* * *

Once again, it's easy to break the rule. Jack really has nowhere to go, and besides, he likes him.

Jack kisses him once, while Rose is out with Mickey, and again on the Game Station. And while Rose is with Mickey, Jack and the Doctor screw around in the control room. But with him and Jack, it isn't really about feelings.

It never was.

* * *

When the Doctor leaves him, Jack isn't really particularly surprised. People have been leaving him his whole life. But he always thought that the Doctor and Rose were different.

And besides, Jack is the tiniest bit in love with the Doctor. But it doesn't matter anymore, does it? He manages to get back to Earth, burning out his vortex manipulator in the process. And he settles down for a long, long time of waiting.

But now, he realizes he can't die. So he waits on Earth, impatient and irritated.

Despite it all, he still loves the Doctor.

For the rest of his life, he carries that with him, a kernel of warmth burning in his chest. He wonders how the Doctor could leave him, when Jack is sure that the Doctor is one of the only people he's ever loved.

* * *

The Doctor feels bad about leaving Jack, of course, but really he has no choice. And besides, he's a bit preoccupied with the whole regeneration thing.

He and Rose go everywhere, running through the galaxies, the mad, wonderful Doctor and his companion, Rose Tyler.

They fool themselves into believing that nothing can ever go wrong.

But of course, it can.

* * *

Joining Torchwood is a deliberate decision on his part. He's not going to meet the Doctor for a very long time, so he figures he might as well do something useful. He'll remake Torchwood, make the Doctor proud.

He never dreams that he might grow to care for these people, that they might mean more to him than just a job. Somehow, they do, and it hurts every time he loses them.

It is now when he realizes that immortality is not a gift; it's a curse. How, he wonders, does the Doctor bear seeing the companions pass by?

* * *

Losing Rose is like being torn apart. And it hurts even more because it's his fault. He's haunted by what he never got to say to her.

It reminds him of why he swore off companions.

When Donna refuses to travel with him, it hurts even more, like his hearts are being ripped from his chest.

Because he loved Rose, in his own peculiar way, and he never told her.

Now he never will.

* * *

Jack has always cared for the members of his team, but this time, it's different. He loves Owen and Tosh and Ianto. Really, he's not so sure about Suzie. So when her betrayal comes, it hurts less than it could have.

He's not sure what to think about the Welsh girl, Gwen Cooper. Granted, she was smart enough to trip the amnesia pill, but he's not sure what to think about her frantic need to reconcile Torchwood with the police. He supposes it's only natural; she used to work for them. But still, it irritates him a bit.

As time passes, he comes to care for her, too.

Ianto's girlfriend in the basement rattles him, more than he'd care to disclose. Anyway, he thinks that Ianto is far more broken up than he is.

When he finds Ianto with the razor blade, he can't say that he's shocked exactly, but there is some emotion akin to disgust, horror even. He can't believe that Ianto thinks that his life matters so little. And he tells him so.

That's when he kisses him. He doesn't mean to, but he thinks about the Doctor as he peels off Ianto's clothes and runs his hands across Ianto's body. But oh, Ianto is so much more than the Doctor. Ianto, he can have. Ianto, he can keep. He holds Ianto through the nightmares, the bad times. He comforts Ianto after the incident with the cannibals. And at some point, he recognizes the warm feeling in his chest.

It's love.

Only this time, the object of his affections returns his feelings.

"I love you." Ianto says.

* * *

He doesn't want to admit it, but when he looks at Martha he's really seeing Rose. She knows it, too, judging by her odd looks and muttered comments when she thinks he's not listening. And he does miss Rose, but with Martha the pain is less. He can almost forget.

He takes Martha to places good and bad, new and ancient.

It's only after the debacle with Joan Redfern that he starts thinking about Rose again. He waits until Martha has gone to her room and fallen asleep before he cries. Martha likes him, he knows that.

But he can't let go of Rose's memory.

* * *

1941 is a year that he intended never to go back to, much less to meet the man whose name he stole.

He doesn't realize he's falling in love until he holds the Captain's hand.

They dance, bodies twined together.

Jack has never been kissed like this.

Tosh is the only one who knows, and she does her best to comfort him as they struggle to save the world.

He's never been more scared than when he faces down Abbadon.

And when he comes back, he can't keep himself from touching Ianto. He kisses him, and when he does, he can taste Ianto's smile in his mouth.

Later, whenever he thinks about that night in 1941, he thinks of a beautiful man, of music and happiness.

_There were angels dancing at the Ritz._

* * *

Seeing Jack again is a shock.

Really, the Doctor never expected to see him again. Jack looks different, but then again so does he. He doesn't realize how much he's missed Jack until he berates him for flirting with Martha.

The incident with the Master is sobering, a reminder of how wrong things can go. The Year That Never Was reminds him once again of Rose, and it is only the thought of her that keeps him fighting.

Jack's refusal makes his hearts ache, but he has to accept that Jack has moved on, as he expects him to. And when he finds out that Jack is the Face of Boe, well, he thinks his face is going to split open from smiling. His immortal companion found happiness after all. And he's happy for the smallest amount of time.

But then Martha tells him she's leaving, and it's gone.

* * *

The Year That Never Was makes him think. He realizes truly how much he's changed since he first met the Doctor, and he realizes how much he loves his team. He can't describe how happy he is when he finally makes it back to them.

Especially Ianto.

He will admit he's a little happy to see John, but the entire thing is a bit of a disaster, and he doesn't want to remember Gray. No, not at all.

He throws himself headfirst into alien-catching.

He pretends it doesn't matter.

Only Ianto knows these secrets, confessed over a tear-stained pillow, in the dead hour of the night. Two hearts, two souls, come together in this world. Only Ianto knows.

And he wouldn't tell a soul.

* * *

Finding Donna again wakes him up, opens his eyes to possibility. He can't help but like her. She's got a tongue sharper than a knife blade, but there's something appealing about her fierce nature.

She makes him feel alive again. And he will admit, he's delighted when they run into Martha. And, unlike the others, Donna has no romantic feelings about him.

It would be refreshing, if he weren't so lonely.

* * *

Time passes. The team makes mistakes, falls down, gets up. Ianto and Jack lie together at night, twined like kudzu on a fence. Tosh falls in love with the wrong people. Owen dies, and comes back. Gwen and Rhys have setbacks, but end up together in the end. And Jack, well, he has Ianto, and that is quite good enough for him.

Things change, with the drop of a hat. Owen and Tosh manage to have a relationship despite the fact that Owen is deceased. Gwen and Rhys marry. Ianto and Jack sleep together and proclaim their love over coffee.

Really, it isn't such a bad life. But Jack should know, of all people, that it won't last forever.

Something bad has to happen, to pay for the good things.

* * *

Having a daughter and losing her all in one day wounds him, more than Donna or Martha can know. Jenny barely had a chance to live, before she was taken from him. And now she'll never live at all. And then the death of River Song, who he knows must be someone important, someone he cares about very much.

He has to go somewhere to forget.

Which is, of course, what he's always done.

* * *

Losing Tosh and Owen hurts like a knife in his back. Gwen doesn't think she can continue after this, and really, he can't blame her.

By now, he should've gotten used to losing them.

He doesn't think he can.

That night, he and Ianto don't sleep, or have sex.

They cry.

* * *

Seeing Jack again brings a smile to his face, although Jack's eyes are shadowed with loss.

Seeing Mickey again makes him think of better times.

Seeing Martha again makes him feel slightly guilty.

Seeing Sarah Jane again makes him hopeful.

Seeing Jackie again reminds him of coming home.

Seeing Rose again, is like seeing the sunrise after an arctic winter. He can't get over the fact that she's here, that she's alive, that she's well and safe.

They beat the Daleks, as usual, but his thoughts are on Rose.

And then she leaves again, and the pain returns.

It hurts even more, having to say goodbye to Martha and Mickey and Jackie and Jack and Sarah Jane and Donna.

He's alone, as he thinks that he's meant to be.

* * *

He will admit, seeing Rose and the Doctor again takes away the pain of losing Tosh and Owen, if only temporarily.

He goes back to Torchwood, and they carry on, if with a gaping wound in their side.

He never expects the 456 to return.

He never expects them to demand more children.

So he does what he always does; tries to stop it.

But the price is far too high.

Kneeling on the floor, cradling Ianto, he wants to start wailing. He's loved and lost, but it has never been like this.

Ianto loves him, and he loves Ianto back.

"Will you forget me?"

"Never could." _My love, I never could. _But he doesn't say that, and oh, does he regret it.

Tenderly, he kisses Ianto, one last time.

When he awakens, he forgets for a moment.

Seeing Ianto's body makes something inside him break.

He may as well be dead as he goes about his duties.

He hardly registers anything.

The death of his grandson digs a chunk out of what remains of his heart.

He can't stand being on Earth anymore.

He cries at night, wails, screams, but his lover is no longer there to hold him.

_Ianto, Steven, I am so, so sorry._

_I love you._

* * *

When he knows he's going to regenerate, he goes around one last time.

He visits Donna, on her wedding day.

He visits Martha and Mickey and saves them.

He saves Sarah Jane's son.

He visits Rose, shortly before they met.

He visits the Captain, lonely in a bar, searching for a face that will never be there again.

And then he regenerates.

* * *

Alonso reminds him of Ianto so much that it's almost painful.

That night, he tells Alonso everything.

It's nice to have someone's arms around him again, a soft voice in his ears, warms lips gently wiping away the tears.

But it's only a short-term thing.

He doesn't want to get attached anymore. The losses hurt too much.

_Suzie, Tosh, Owen, Steven._

_Ianto._

* * *

Amelia Pond and Rory Williams are a balm for his soul.

Especially River, his newly found wife.

Losing them puts him in terrible agony.

He doesn't think he wants to live anymore; he doesn't see the point of friends or companions or even lovers.

_Rose, Jack, Mickey, Jackie, Martha, Donna, Sarah Jane, Jenny, Amy, Rory._

_River._

* * *

He's tired of losing them, so tired.


End file.
